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Windows Source Code
/* Source Code Windows 2000 */
#include “win31.h”
#include “win95.h”
#include “win98.h”
#include “workst~1.h”
#include “evenmore.h”
#include “oldstuff.h”
#include “billrulz.h”
#include “monopoly.h”
#include “backdoor.h”
#define INSTALL = HARD
char make_prog_look_big(16000000);
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_100_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of-OS2();
make_futile_attempt_to_damage_Linux();
disable_Netscape();
disable_RealPlayer();
disable_Lotus_Products();
hang_system();
} //if
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_31();
do_nothing_loop();
} // if
} //while
if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();
if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed,very_slow);
set_mouse(action,jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction,sometimes);
} //if
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.1"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 3.0"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 98"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 4.0"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 2000");
if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt)
else
system_memory = open("a:swp0001.swp",O_CREATE);
while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
} // while
create_general_protection_fault();
} // main
top secret !!!
#include <nonsens.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h> /* for the court of law */
#define say(X) lie(X)
#define soon (now + 12*month)
void main()
{
if (latest_version.age > 1*month)
{
if (bugs.index > 0)
market(bugfix);
if (sales.drop(below, certain_point))
raise(ROUMORS, "new bugless version");
}
while(everyone.activity == chat(ABOUT_NEW_VERSION))
{
make_false_promise("it will be multitasking");
/* standard call, in lies.h */
if (roumors.grow(wilder))
make_false_promise("it will be plug and play");
if (roumors.grow(even_wilder))
{
market_time = ripe;
say("it will be ready in one month");
order(PROGRAMMERS, STOP_FIXING_BUGS_IN_OLD_VERSION);
order(PROGRAMMERS, START_BRAINSTORMING_ABOUT_NEW_VERSION);
order(MARKETINGSTAFF, PERMISSION_TO_SPREAD_NONSENS);
vaporware = TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_world_press)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say("it will be ready in ", today + 30*day, ", we're just testing");
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say("yes, it will work");
ask(PROGRAMMERS, "why dows it not work");
pretend("there is no problem"); /* standard call, in lies.h */
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say("it will run on a 8086 with lightning speed ",
"due to the 32 bits architecture");
inform(INTEL, "pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
inform(SAMSUNG, "start a new momorychip plant 'cos all ",
"those customers will need at least 32 megs");
inform(QUANTUM, "thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say("oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
register(JOURNALIST, BIG_BILL_BOOK);
while (time <> ripe);
arrest(JOURNALIST);
brainwash(JOURNALIST);
while (JOURNALIST.statement <> (windows[98].bugs == 0));
order(JOURNALIST, WRITE_A_NICE_OBJECTIVE_ARTICLE);
release(JOURNALIST);
break;
}
while (vaporware)
{
introduction.date++; /* delay */
if (NO_ONE.belief == "there will be a release")
break;
say("it will by ready in ", today + 1*month);
}
release(BETA_VERSION);
while (EVERYONE == DUMB_ENOUGH_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE)
{
BILL.bank.account* += 150*megabuck;
release(NEW_AND_EVEN_BETTER_BETA_VERSION);
really_say("it will need more memory"); /* this is very complicated to
do, so it's used very rarely! */
if (CUSTOMERS.report == "installation problems")
{
say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
if (SMART_CUSTOMER.report == "but you promised plug and play")
{
ignore(SMART_CUSTOMER);
order(MICROSOFT_INTELLIGENCE_AGENCY, KEEP_AN_EYE_ON_THIS_BASTARD);
}
}
if (BILL.bank.account* > skyhigh && BILL.marriage.age > 2*year)
{
divorce(woman_that_was_beautiful_when_I_married_her);
wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
marry(young_blong_virgin_with_big_boobies);
on (boobies_start_to_hang)
dump(young_blond_visrig_with_big_boobies);
}
if (another_company.exists)
{
steal(theis_ideas);
accuse(company_stealing_our_ideas);
hire(lawyers, a_lot_of); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */
order(PLASTIC_SURGON, make_BILL_look_like_a_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island);
hire(HAREM);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}
void bugfix()
{
carge(money, a_lot_of);
if (CUSTOMER.report == "do not want to pay for bugfix")
say("it is not a bugfix but a new version");
if (CUSTOMER.still_complaints)
{
ignore(CUSTOMER);
register(CUSTOMER, BIG_BILL_BOOK);
/* we'll get him when everyone uses Billware !!! */
}
}